You ever feel tired, emotionally?
Like you just want everything to stop moving, for the lights to just dim out, the cars passing by you to stutter and stall, people ambling past the streets to stop what they’re doing for a moment, and for time to hold still… even just for a while, enough for you to hear your own heart beating. Then you could just brush your own soft trembling palm against your own chest, hoping to feel it… to feel the life pounding inside it, pumping that red viscous fluid throughout your body to keep you alive. To make you feel that you are alive.
--oOo--
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
One two three
One two three…
Till I go back to that place
Beyond this horizon that I am now looking at
One two three…
Till I touch that cemented road again
That I once walked on with someone special
One two three…
Till I get close to a passion
That I am living now and the day after
One two three…
To that someday I keep imagining
One two three…
To that day.
-Till tomorrow, for now I shall rest my thoughts and let my heart beat…-
--oOo--
Till I go back to that place
Beyond this horizon that I am now looking at
One two three…
Till I touch that cemented road again
That I once walked on with someone special
One two three…
Till I get close to a passion
That I am living now and the day after
One two three…
To that someday I keep imagining
One two three…
To that day.
-Till tomorrow, for now I shall rest my thoughts and let my heart beat…-
--oOo--
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Observation
This afternoon we went to Ever Gotesco mall… yup, me and my cousins again, they are practically the only people in my social circle… well, except for a few of my classmates. Ah, I am a total pariah. *sigh* Do I seem like I care? Cause, you know… I uhm, don’t. Alright, so back to the small trip to the nearest mall from our house, just one tricycle ride away. On the way to the main entrance of the mall, there were a lot of sidewalk vendors that we passed through… the most peculiar thing about that is I realized that… most of these people who are supposed to be impoverished are fat. No, don’t get me wrong… this rant aint about weight, *lol* it partially mentions that though but it is not the main theme. So okay, they are a bit heavier than I think they should be, because they are hard-up should they not look the part or even just a bit emaciated? I am talking about those people who solicit money and garbed in a very convincing poor-person-who-direly-needs-help get up. They beg for money and they are even healthier than you, what gives with that? Just thought I’d share this piece of observation I made.
Another thing that amazed, and still does, me is how fair just isn’t fair enough when it comes to the matter of complexion. I noticed a profuse amount of whitening creams, whitening soaps, cleansers, toners, lotions… lots and lots of it. The local grocery stores and a lot of stores that sell beauty products are practically overflowing with these whitening agents. They just can’t seem to get enough of it. I know it is terribly natural for a society that idolizes a Westernized standard of beauty (or East Asian, specifically South Koren where all those koreanovelas are spawned) to act this way but it is just sometimes galling. You know like, for an instance, I have a friend who I can probably say is close to being fair as a bean curd, and almost all the time she hammers everyone about how dusky she thinks she is now because of some hollow basis… and it is just flat-out annoying cause she is almost as white as paper but she just won’t stop trilling every one about how dark she think she has gotten every time its sunny and when it shines on her precious porcelain skin. I don’t mean to be so anal about it… but if you know you are fair, just keep your lips shut and try not to make a big deal out of every time you think you have gotten a teeny bit darker from yesterday, cause that… is just a horrible, horrible thing to do. You’ll drive people away.
Personally, I think tanned skin looks more attractive and charismatic. But back then, when I was still in middle school and trying to earn good grades by skipping classes, I was one of those people who thought fair was the ideal color of a beautiful skin tone. It just goes well with almost anything you wear. Be it the ugliest piece of attire, if you are white, it’ll look good on you. That was my discernment of how one should look to be considered pretty to my eyes. I loathed dark-skinned people and identified them as either dirty or don’t take a shower daily. I am over that now, that was me as a juvenile. I have a broader sense of perception now when it comes to things like that.
And…
I write more passionately and effectively when I am in the grip of an inordinate rage.
That is probably it. And Oh, in case you are wondering, no I ain’t mad right now.
--oOo--
Another thing that amazed, and still does, me is how fair just isn’t fair enough when it comes to the matter of complexion. I noticed a profuse amount of whitening creams, whitening soaps, cleansers, toners, lotions… lots and lots of it. The local grocery stores and a lot of stores that sell beauty products are practically overflowing with these whitening agents. They just can’t seem to get enough of it. I know it is terribly natural for a society that idolizes a Westernized standard of beauty (or East Asian, specifically South Koren where all those koreanovelas are spawned) to act this way but it is just sometimes galling. You know like, for an instance, I have a friend who I can probably say is close to being fair as a bean curd, and almost all the time she hammers everyone about how dusky she thinks she is now because of some hollow basis… and it is just flat-out annoying cause she is almost as white as paper but she just won’t stop trilling every one about how dark she think she has gotten every time its sunny and when it shines on her precious porcelain skin. I don’t mean to be so anal about it… but if you know you are fair, just keep your lips shut and try not to make a big deal out of every time you think you have gotten a teeny bit darker from yesterday, cause that… is just a horrible, horrible thing to do. You’ll drive people away.
Personally, I think tanned skin looks more attractive and charismatic. But back then, when I was still in middle school and trying to earn good grades by skipping classes, I was one of those people who thought fair was the ideal color of a beautiful skin tone. It just goes well with almost anything you wear. Be it the ugliest piece of attire, if you are white, it’ll look good on you. That was my discernment of how one should look to be considered pretty to my eyes. I loathed dark-skinned people and identified them as either dirty or don’t take a shower daily. I am over that now, that was me as a juvenile. I have a broader sense of perception now when it comes to things like that.
And…
I write more passionately and effectively when I am in the grip of an inordinate rage.
That is probably it. And Oh, in case you are wondering, no I ain’t mad right now.
--oOo--
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Happy-sad
Mall of Asia? Galore!
The other day, we went to the mall of Asia… big, big mall with lots of pretty people who go there to unwind? Not sure. It was cool though, I actually saw some (a few) non-locals there. Actually, we sat near an American couple who were enjoying a French dinner. I didn’t bother to see what they were having, but they seemed to be absorbed in a discussion plus we were too busy taking pictures of ourselves because we found the lighting quite nice so I didn’t really pay much attention to them. Though what I did pay attention to are the people who were walking by mindless of the people who were watching them from a seat or from a corner, *cough* like uhm, us. Just for kicks and out of tedium I decided to count the aesthetically superior males who would happen to stroll by. There were a few actually, I don’t know… it could either be just the wrong place to look or my standards are way up there, or there really were only a few. Well, wadyaknow? Less cute people would mean fewer distractions from my studies, not that there are any of course. I found that the mall of Asia is a good place to lose weight too, with all that walking and going around in circles… you’re sure gonna lose some of ‘em flab. *giggles*
We had a rather tough time trying to hire a bus because practically all of the busses that were arriving weren’t airconed and it Had to be air-conditioned for the reason that it was going to be a long, tedious trip back, according to the opinions of the persons I was with that time. *lol* So, there we were… practically growing roots on the spot and still no bus. When there was actually one that came, they weren’t sure if it would drop us at the right stop and they were tooooo embarrassed to inquire so they had to oblige me to do the job. Mmmm… it kind of bowled me over how they… such pretty people… could have something to be embarrassed about, especially to a meager bus driver who they probably would not even see again. I mean, really… its funny how people who you’d think should have or deserve to have a steady supply of self-esteem could be so diffident. While you a measly common face(means me) would have more audacity to socialize, or for that instance… ask. I just don’t see a reason why they should shy away in asking such a rudimentary question, it’s not like the guy behind the wheel was gonna eat them if they do. Oh well, it never was easy to understand people. What do I know; I’m just merely a spectator.
- - - -
LOST KITTY-JUNEFOUR
He has got to be the sweetest little thing that ever came our ways. That tiny white ball of fur with his cute little eyes that would fondly glance up at you then you realize after looking into those green beady things that that carton of milk you were holding was what he was actually staring at. Then he would sprint suddenly towards you, brush himself against your leg and finally snuggle on your “tsinelas” (slippers) where he’d fall asleep. How I miss him so, his name was Junefour a.k.a tsinelas… L He was an angel in a fur.
But they just had to throw him away…
--oOo--
The other day, we went to the mall of Asia… big, big mall with lots of pretty people who go there to unwind? Not sure. It was cool though, I actually saw some (a few) non-locals there. Actually, we sat near an American couple who were enjoying a French dinner. I didn’t bother to see what they were having, but they seemed to be absorbed in a discussion plus we were too busy taking pictures of ourselves because we found the lighting quite nice so I didn’t really pay much attention to them. Though what I did pay attention to are the people who were walking by mindless of the people who were watching them from a seat or from a corner, *cough* like uhm, us. Just for kicks and out of tedium I decided to count the aesthetically superior males who would happen to stroll by. There were a few actually, I don’t know… it could either be just the wrong place to look or my standards are way up there, or there really were only a few. Well, wadyaknow? Less cute people would mean fewer distractions from my studies, not that there are any of course. I found that the mall of Asia is a good place to lose weight too, with all that walking and going around in circles… you’re sure gonna lose some of ‘em flab. *giggles*
We had a rather tough time trying to hire a bus because practically all of the busses that were arriving weren’t airconed and it Had to be air-conditioned for the reason that it was going to be a long, tedious trip back, according to the opinions of the persons I was with that time. *lol* So, there we were… practically growing roots on the spot and still no bus. When there was actually one that came, they weren’t sure if it would drop us at the right stop and they were tooooo embarrassed to inquire so they had to oblige me to do the job. Mmmm… it kind of bowled me over how they… such pretty people… could have something to be embarrassed about, especially to a meager bus driver who they probably would not even see again. I mean, really… its funny how people who you’d think should have or deserve to have a steady supply of self-esteem could be so diffident. While you a measly common face(means me) would have more audacity to socialize, or for that instance… ask. I just don’t see a reason why they should shy away in asking such a rudimentary question, it’s not like the guy behind the wheel was gonna eat them if they do. Oh well, it never was easy to understand people. What do I know; I’m just merely a spectator.
- - - -
LOST KITTY-JUNEFOUR
He has got to be the sweetest little thing that ever came our ways. That tiny white ball of fur with his cute little eyes that would fondly glance up at you then you realize after looking into those green beady things that that carton of milk you were holding was what he was actually staring at. Then he would sprint suddenly towards you, brush himself against your leg and finally snuggle on your “tsinelas” (slippers) where he’d fall asleep. How I miss him so, his name was Junefour a.k.a tsinelas… L He was an angel in a fur.
But they just had to throw him away…
--oOo--
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Transparency of a lying prick
Is it not amazing how some people would only begin to realize your worth when you begin to realize their unworthiness to you? It is such hilarity what a sense of humor fate has. You would just have hysterics as you look back at it all. Really, it’s as simple as pretending not to care about the person and he’d stick to you like an adhesive. Because, as much as we’d deny it… the difficulty to possess something that you would dearly want is too much of an appeal we would not resist. We love to tag some extra effort on everything that we do; it’s the spice… the jazz. You know how you say sometimes that you wish things would have been easier? Well that is a sham… if everything was easy you’d go through the rest of your miserable life miserable and most likely asleep because it would be simply monotonous. And if someone threatens to exit your life, you’d instinctively endeavor to let them stay… even if you did not have a particular reason why you’d want them to stay. It is for the incentive that simply that threat that calls you to do something stimulates your biological nature to incorporate yourself in a situation where you are needed, and because it is nature for life to be such a malfunction and you would want to be a part of that. So you’d snag every opportunity that invokes a sense of necessity for your humanity. Simply put… you have to feel needed; you have to make them feel needed… because that validates an impression of something that endures and still persists. Probably the best example of that, and probably one which most people could relate to, is loving someone. It is a job, to love… you would have to maintain it and make sure things are well. The occasional tiffs and shallow wrangling are not to be taken as an onset of some dreadful thing forthcoming; instead it is like a symptom of a healthy and perfectly functional relationship. If you still don’t get it… I’ll say this… there is a thick fat utterly distinguishable line between contentment, and boredom.
Well, there I was… talking to *Artiste which I have been doing a lot less lately, and trying to defend a philosophy which involved discrediting the subjugation of women on the main channel. (I was chatting online) They apparently ganged up on me because I was arguing in English and it is like a heretical thing to do there. Well, know what I think? Those people are just intimidated and probably pissed that I’m (being female too) their realization of their failure to be proficient in the language. And we all know how much men hate to disappoint themselves, and for someone to rub it in their faces. Well you should have thought of that before you skipped your English classes in high school eh? Don’t act like I’m to blame for your shortcoming… If you really do want something done, it would essentially depend on how bad you want it. Get off your ass and do it. Such pricks, crab mentality is so old.
So, there I was trying my best to have a decent case out of the juvenile things they were trying to hurl at me when suddenly this person (a friend of *Artistes’ I suppose) asks that moronic infant *Artiste to come out and try to dispute with me cause he apparently is a renowned bastard who’d risk making a fool of himself in a bootless attempt to humiliate another person and yeah, puff out his ego. I did not expect him to actually regard the immature instigation, but he unfortunately did. It was a bit amusing… how he’d try to confound some of the things I said with the best of his cheesy humor. He quizzed… “How do you illustrate a point?” well… gee… from someone of your plane you should very well know what illustrating a point means... and you vaunt about your impeccable grammar. That is a terribly stupid move, I must say. Trying to justify yourselves by being insincere only confirms your self-doubt and how little conviction you have of the matter… and that does not establish a good argument. Oh well, so much for loyal friendship and those days we spent early in the morning trying to understand ourselves and what we stand for. I understand what mine is now; I am just not sure about you.
- - - -
I can see right through you now, right through your ribs… your lungs… your heart… your morose little eyes. You stirred me once because you spout of reality from a visceral point that which once fascinated me too. But I’ve grown out of it and you haven’t. You needn’t put down other people just so you’d feel above them. You needn’t fill that void with something you took out from someone else. Heck, you are becoming like them… or you always were? I hate to think of it. Yesterday, you made me realize how much of you distaste me… I know the things you did and the reasons why too. I did like you… but that was just a thought. I wanted to like you but I never seem to get myself to. If I happened to like you, genuinely… that would invalidate my superficiality when it came to men and that was the initial reason why I wanted to like you. I’m not saying that you are not a likeable person or that I detest you… you’re great but we just clash. I don’t understand why you unexpectedly talked to me last time... because I was acting up? Because angry women excite you? Because I might not talk to you again and you’d have no one to play with? Or because you just realized my worth? What am I to you?
You’ve upset me, not only once… and that is enough for now.
--oOo--
Well, there I was… talking to *Artiste which I have been doing a lot less lately, and trying to defend a philosophy which involved discrediting the subjugation of women on the main channel. (I was chatting online) They apparently ganged up on me because I was arguing in English and it is like a heretical thing to do there. Well, know what I think? Those people are just intimidated and probably pissed that I’m (being female too) their realization of their failure to be proficient in the language. And we all know how much men hate to disappoint themselves, and for someone to rub it in their faces. Well you should have thought of that before you skipped your English classes in high school eh? Don’t act like I’m to blame for your shortcoming… If you really do want something done, it would essentially depend on how bad you want it. Get off your ass and do it. Such pricks, crab mentality is so old.
So, there I was trying my best to have a decent case out of the juvenile things they were trying to hurl at me when suddenly this person (a friend of *Artistes’ I suppose) asks that moronic infant *Artiste to come out and try to dispute with me cause he apparently is a renowned bastard who’d risk making a fool of himself in a bootless attempt to humiliate another person and yeah, puff out his ego. I did not expect him to actually regard the immature instigation, but he unfortunately did. It was a bit amusing… how he’d try to confound some of the things I said with the best of his cheesy humor. He quizzed… “How do you illustrate a point?” well… gee… from someone of your plane you should very well know what illustrating a point means... and you vaunt about your impeccable grammar. That is a terribly stupid move, I must say. Trying to justify yourselves by being insincere only confirms your self-doubt and how little conviction you have of the matter… and that does not establish a good argument. Oh well, so much for loyal friendship and those days we spent early in the morning trying to understand ourselves and what we stand for. I understand what mine is now; I am just not sure about you.
- - - -
I can see right through you now, right through your ribs… your lungs… your heart… your morose little eyes. You stirred me once because you spout of reality from a visceral point that which once fascinated me too. But I’ve grown out of it and you haven’t. You needn’t put down other people just so you’d feel above them. You needn’t fill that void with something you took out from someone else. Heck, you are becoming like them… or you always were? I hate to think of it. Yesterday, you made me realize how much of you distaste me… I know the things you did and the reasons why too. I did like you… but that was just a thought. I wanted to like you but I never seem to get myself to. If I happened to like you, genuinely… that would invalidate my superficiality when it came to men and that was the initial reason why I wanted to like you. I’m not saying that you are not a likeable person or that I detest you… you’re great but we just clash. I don’t understand why you unexpectedly talked to me last time... because I was acting up? Because angry women excite you? Because I might not talk to you again and you’d have no one to play with? Or because you just realized my worth? What am I to you?
You’ve upset me, not only once… and that is enough for now.
--oOo--
Sunday, June 10, 2007
mad
I feel soooo mad at everything right now. Why can't I say anything... why do I have to follow through what they tell me... why must we all be severely deprived and reprimanded by our very own nature? Can you not see the injury you brought upon the little girl inside of me? You taught me of life and its beauty, of the feelings intrinsically hardwired inside of me... but why must I torture myself in holding everything back just so you'd approve of me? What is so wrong with acting on my emotions... if I am youth then I should be brass, brazen ... so abandoned of sanity... but why must I be consumed with guilt when I do things people of my demographic do?
Life is such a freaking tease...
This is a crappy society that we live in...
With even crapper people who live in it...
Blind people who couldn't care less what happens to people around them or to what is around them.
Who couldn't care less who they step on to satisfy their self-absorbed whims.
No, I am not particularly infuriated with anyone. :)
There is one person though.
Myself.
Yeah...
Control my mind...
Put me in chains...
Tell me I am a slave to myself...
Dont let me possess anything
that is reality.
- - - -
I am working on a new blog right now... but I will still be posting here.
--oOo--
Life is such a freaking tease...
This is a crappy society that we live in...
With even crapper people who live in it...
Blind people who couldn't care less what happens to people around them or to what is around them.
Who couldn't care less who they step on to satisfy their self-absorbed whims.
No, I am not particularly infuriated with anyone. :)
There is one person though.
Myself.
Yeah...
Control my mind...
Put me in chains...
Tell me I am a slave to myself...
Dont let me possess anything
that is reality.
- - - -
I am working on a new blog right now... but I will still be posting here.
--oOo--
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I have no point
Lambasting ourselves from fully reveling in what the world has to proffer and from our intrinsic human predispositions is not quiet what should be. Out there in the open, that cosmic space that segregates what is moral, right, wrong and decadent is the truth. But to get closer to that we would have to facilitate acknowledgment of new ideas.
What is the benchmark for true pleasure?
I simply can’t comprehend the grounds on how some individuals just don’t seem to have that fanaticism to get a more intelligible rationalization on things. How they cope with having to dispel stupefaction every time they are drawn against things alien to their usual grasp is just beyond me. Is bliss truly found in ignorance? And is knowledge the cornerstone for desolation?
In this madcap pursuit for satisfaction… which would be better to side with?
From my vantage point, I simply can’t see a perfectly credible excuse for unawareness. What you could attain from that is just a synthetic veneer from what is real and mendacious, and it would conk out one day which will leave you defenseless against the brutality of truth. It is heaps constructive to be receptive towards crucial and trivial information, for it is the foundation of everything.
Oh my gosh, I might have an aneurysm for ruminating too much.
- - - -
I am disparate,
You have no license to be
The arbitrator of my
Own indiscretions
Don’t acclaim
Your unsullied nature
For one day
Amidst the stifling
And overt
It will lacerate
Your mulish validation
--oOo--
What is the benchmark for true pleasure?
I simply can’t comprehend the grounds on how some individuals just don’t seem to have that fanaticism to get a more intelligible rationalization on things. How they cope with having to dispel stupefaction every time they are drawn against things alien to their usual grasp is just beyond me. Is bliss truly found in ignorance? And is knowledge the cornerstone for desolation?
In this madcap pursuit for satisfaction… which would be better to side with?
From my vantage point, I simply can’t see a perfectly credible excuse for unawareness. What you could attain from that is just a synthetic veneer from what is real and mendacious, and it would conk out one day which will leave you defenseless against the brutality of truth. It is heaps constructive to be receptive towards crucial and trivial information, for it is the foundation of everything.
Oh my gosh, I might have an aneurysm for ruminating too much.
- - - -
I am disparate,
You have no license to be
The arbitrator of my
Own indiscretions
Don’t acclaim
Your unsullied nature
For one day
Amidst the stifling
And overt
It will lacerate
Your mulish validation
--oOo--
Monday, June 4, 2007
Exhausted and A little Scared
‘People come and go, and they always leave a trail behind… you would have to pick up after them to keep it.”
Everything changes.
They really do.
One day you’ll just find yourself talking to that good friend and realize that he has become a completely different person, and the gap would start to stretch.
The whole idea just sunk in…
I would continuously change friends until I permanently stay in one place (even then, there is still possibility of losing them to some other reason). And these friends that I have now, they would leave my life some time in the future, we would have to go our own ways to try to reach our own dreams… it’s almost a forgone conclusion. Then when we happen to cross paths again, we might not recognize each other… or want not to.
It is really hard when you are the sort of person who gets to go to places, even to the most beautiful places. You won’t find real friends that you can stick with. Even if you do find them, you won’t get to hold on to them because you would always have to leave. Like with everything, you really don’t get to own anything that is of this world… everything changes.
- - - -
I was with my cousin the whole day; she went with me to school to help me enroll. Well, we were not able to accomplish that because of the conflicting schedules, so we would have to go back tomorrow. (the school should start to learn how to organize their classes, with all those “extra expenses” they charge the students… surely, they could hire reliable help and buy some robotic thingamabobs to easy the task for them) While on the queue we had a little conversation about school, and theoretically came up with how we supposed things might play out for me and for them too. Like how I have to enroll on summer classes to be on a block section, and the `memorable” things that might happen during my duties on hospitals, and after that... work, etc. The same discussion dragged on until we got home, and in our room lying on our tummies.
Then it led to a more serious talk, about our plans… in the future… when we already have our own jobs and are earning money. I told her about how I would like to take my masters abroad, and she admitted that she’d been thinking about that too. And I said, ‘Hey, lets make a pact… we’d study abroad for our masters. That would be jolly awesome” and I can vaguely remember if it was a yes, or a maybe that I got from her. Then there was this sudden flash of scenes in my head, like me on a nursing scrub, them working some place else, me alone and them too… spending Christmas at work, shopping with myself, etc. I know I should not be thinking of things on such a morose scale, but I can’t help it. I suppose it’s because of what I see on the people around me, and how sad they are with their adult lives… always complaining when there is actually a lot to be thankful of, maybe that is why I developed such a terrible take on possibilities.
Right now, it’s the first time ever that I have been so unsure and scared of what could be ahead. I have my own plans laid out, and I badly want to think that I could make it all come true. But I can only hope, and keep on trying. Destiny has his own twisted way of making things happen, and always leaving a blow with such a magnitude on people. It’s the beauty of it though, that big cloud shrouding our horizon so we can’t see… and we would have to find our own way. After all, the journey is more important than the ending, they say. *smile wistfully*
This is what an exhausting day spent at school makes me do...
--oOo--
Everything changes.
They really do.
One day you’ll just find yourself talking to that good friend and realize that he has become a completely different person, and the gap would start to stretch.
The whole idea just sunk in…
I would continuously change friends until I permanently stay in one place (even then, there is still possibility of losing them to some other reason). And these friends that I have now, they would leave my life some time in the future, we would have to go our own ways to try to reach our own dreams… it’s almost a forgone conclusion. Then when we happen to cross paths again, we might not recognize each other… or want not to.
It is really hard when you are the sort of person who gets to go to places, even to the most beautiful places. You won’t find real friends that you can stick with. Even if you do find them, you won’t get to hold on to them because you would always have to leave. Like with everything, you really don’t get to own anything that is of this world… everything changes.
- - - -
I was with my cousin the whole day; she went with me to school to help me enroll. Well, we were not able to accomplish that because of the conflicting schedules, so we would have to go back tomorrow. (the school should start to learn how to organize their classes, with all those “extra expenses” they charge the students… surely, they could hire reliable help and buy some robotic thingamabobs to easy the task for them) While on the queue we had a little conversation about school, and theoretically came up with how we supposed things might play out for me and for them too. Like how I have to enroll on summer classes to be on a block section, and the `memorable” things that might happen during my duties on hospitals, and after that... work, etc. The same discussion dragged on until we got home, and in our room lying on our tummies.
Then it led to a more serious talk, about our plans… in the future… when we already have our own jobs and are earning money. I told her about how I would like to take my masters abroad, and she admitted that she’d been thinking about that too. And I said, ‘Hey, lets make a pact… we’d study abroad for our masters. That would be jolly awesome” and I can vaguely remember if it was a yes, or a maybe that I got from her. Then there was this sudden flash of scenes in my head, like me on a nursing scrub, them working some place else, me alone and them too… spending Christmas at work, shopping with myself, etc. I know I should not be thinking of things on such a morose scale, but I can’t help it. I suppose it’s because of what I see on the people around me, and how sad they are with their adult lives… always complaining when there is actually a lot to be thankful of, maybe that is why I developed such a terrible take on possibilities.
Right now, it’s the first time ever that I have been so unsure and scared of what could be ahead. I have my own plans laid out, and I badly want to think that I could make it all come true. But I can only hope, and keep on trying. Destiny has his own twisted way of making things happen, and always leaving a blow with such a magnitude on people. It’s the beauty of it though, that big cloud shrouding our horizon so we can’t see… and we would have to find our own way. After all, the journey is more important than the ending, they say. *smile wistfully*
This is what an exhausting day spent at school makes me do...
--oOo--
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