Ennui, a midday crisis

Yesterday, and as always the past year, I have been on this internet relay chat wishing to stumble across, perhaps a special person I could converse with the rest of my obligatory stay here. But it has been a fucking year and I since haven’t found a single, remotely interesting, discerning mind down there. A grossly large throng of perverts and nitwits were always available though. Egad, and some of them even chanced to pick my indicative nick for a small chitchat. (Indicative of my Age, watch your thinking there)

Not surprisingly enough, they seem to agree to be fond of one particular topic, this might ring a bell; SEX. Oh Christ, I just can’t comprehend how these bozos’ brains operate if all they ever want to talk and think about is that. They actually do think about it every five fucking minutes all day long.

It is incredibly depressing. I just could not believe how with all these people and none of them has starkly roused up a tinge of fascination in me. Well, occasionally there would be one to bend the generalization. But they always tend to get tired after sharing several discourses with me, as I do with them. Some, I might have offended or just could not remember who that witty, incandescent little prude they had been talking to last when they come on again. *laughs*

Mostly, after the exchange of pleasantries and asl’s and a pinch deal of small talk, the magic magically poofs out.

I still have quite a few regular chatmates though, but sometimes I really cant put a finger on it but I just don’t seem to want to talk, or type for that matter. Which appends one of us not responding any longer. I suppose this whole incredulous farce is wearing me down now.

Some perchance, simply just grew tired of the chatting scene itself and never came on again. Eitherways I always am left to wander about to my own devices. And it is such a detrimental thing to do. Because then, I’d have a reason to hate being left to my own devices and realize how much I hate doing that. Did I mention I tremendously detest the idea of being alone? (not all the time though) Yet, I have always been just with myself ever since I can recall. I wonder how I made it. Maybe I Am tough after all.

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Last time was not too bad as the preceding late afternoon chats. It was actually, dare I say, a scant lively, sustained to a point where I almost thought it was actually fun.

But I would still call it a boring one.

There was really nothing vaguely close to a conversation there. Just people either wanting other people to notice them, or those indolent `hi’s and hello’s from chatters who when you bridge a second word with would not even bother to acknowledge the effort to strike up a decent introduction.

Indeed, it was a dull way to spend the whole afternoon. Sadly, I had no other options but to do so.

Amidst that dreary self-effacing wait, between the trivia at Shs_Asylum and the forum I was concentrating on, a thought formed in my head. Then it conveniently amassed a couple of letters, until it spiraled to vestige a feeling broad on the idyllic. I didn’t even think I’d ever feel that way towards that person, but I oddly did. I felt it ballooning up inside me, that one feeling I thought I had forgotten through the bypass of the years. That with the familiar, but scantly jarring aftertaste. That one which reminds you of something that would only be there when it isn’t.

`Did I just miss ^_~him?

Seriously, I must have. I did feel that I wanted badly so to see his nick posted on my channel list. I wished to see that red flashing nick of his on my pm box, alerting me of his intimidating yet appealing presence and asking me to spare some of my precious time to chat him up, and making me bluntly curse at myself for having him affect me that way. I cant always stand feeling like that, it is a part of me I have adroitly gotten used to repressing. But I wont say that I haven’t felt like that before, because I have. And I was quick to rub it off, just as I did this time. Perhaps I just couldn’t swallow the idea of being truly effeminate. Or I just don’t want anyone to affect me in a particular fashion that would frighten the shit out of me and make me aware of stuff that should not dare transpire.

It could fairly be the ambience of the room, or the lack of sensible natters, if not because he was simply the only guy I had a good time talking to these past few days. And, he is one not to suggest a carnal topic which I have grown to adore in him. Whatever it is, it got to me.

Whilst the `fist fight story and the `I never lost a fight in elementary discussion brews on the main channel, I pondered languorously (and while I have nothing else to do but ponder too ).


Could missing someone be readily mistaken for a deeper more intense feeling?
Maybe even in the lines of attraction?

--oOo--