Anonymity

“We express ourselves better when we are in disguise.”

This quotation is from one of my all time favorite romantic flicks, (insert title here) I forgot the title though. *sheepish grin* It is an old movie and I only watched it about five times in 10 years now. Last time I did, they aired it on television; I only caught half of it. It was not a bad thing though because I still got to see most of the drama (usually they’re at the concluding segment of a movie), albeit I was not able to watch the beginning part.

One lingering scene there really stuck to me.

The setting was in a typical standard classroom with some high school students listening in on their teacher who was standing in front sharing his good insights and, of course, that days lecture. I still remember it quite vividly. It was probably, I think, around ten a.m. because the whole room was painted in a golden almost clementine shade, besides the fact that the class just started.*lol* There was this nerdy girl on the second row with both her hands clutched tightly to a book about sonnets,poems and Shakespeare, presumably. Her soft longing eyes was fixated at the teacher who right then took out something from beside his desk, uhh, some sort of odd looking bat. The piece of elongated L-shaped metal (or it could be wood) is used in ice hockey to “make the pot”(?). Anyways, he was toying with it while talking to the class about a play. He told the class about how one of the characters in the play, when she dressed up as a man, was able to express herself more freely and not to mention boldly. She was more liberated when she wore those clothes, and by masquerading as the opposite sex, it gave her the audacity to show her enduring love for the dashing but underprivileged male lead character. That in the shoes of a man, she had the confidence to do the things she would not in her wildest imagination carry out if in her feminine reality.

Methinks this true. That in costume we might comport distinctly from our usual selves. Perhaps in an attire that conceals a nature of ourselves, we would have an excuse to not be ourselves(?) but not entirely; I mean, to still be you but not exactly you. To let out a part of you that you held back in the public eye. From the immortal words of Shakespeare, “The world is a stage” and we are merely actors. Think of it as a recasting, when you wanted to play a different role. And giving life to the character in a disguise would give you the boost to effectually pull it off. It will indefinitely give us the drive to act upon those dreams that only ourselves can see. Those covert wishful thinkings that we are compelled to stifle from the world. We fear being judged, especially if we oppose the given opinions. I, for one, would heavily consider the thoughts of those around me when I behave and do things in a certain manner. For their biased and narrow-minded scrutiny are important to me, their reviews are my assurance that I am doing the right things in accord to a societal criterion, and secure my social life. But I would not mind emancipating myself from convention once in a while, an awful lot often while. An ingenious front would do the trick.

Good thing there is the internet. I can be as anonymous as a love letter from a secret admirer. What an analogy. *laughs at self* It is a great way to explore your personality though, pretending. Pretending to be someone else, someone you hope to be. Or it could be anything. You would find out things about you, or confirm them. To me it is some sort of escape from the tiring demands of reality. Because the fact that it is the reality, it inhibits us in a way.

As cheesy and silly as this sounds, this can also be true for me in the nature of relationships. I am frightened of intimacy so I restrain from it. I terribly want to keep a commodious space for myself, and my selfish need for discretion. It is the only way I can think of that would not completely give me away to the other person. Take it for a clever façade, or it could just be me not wanting to be ripped out to my bare stark skin. I would not dare let anyone see that in me. For I fear I might not be as charming to him, I might even be… boring. Because it is a horrible feeling when you realize the person knows you too well that he would be capable of reading even your innermost thoughts. I badly need to keep secrets; maybe it is that self-preservation thing.

But I also want to dip into that part of me that is carefree, unabashed, and brazen, to be free from the chains of self-doubt and insecurity. It would be awesome if I had some sort of permanent disguise. I would no longer need to hide and be reluctant of my actions. Slam hesitations, this is a new me. I would totally put myself out there.

Behold yee mateys, for here I come and cast a new star of the show.*In a piratey accent*

But then, if I did that, would it be truly me?

I wonder… if it were true, how then would we know if we are acting as our real genuine selves when we hypothetically express a truer form of ourselves behind a camouflage?

--oOo--