Its when you're on the brink of saying what you actually feel about someone yet you feel reluctant because the thought of rejection terribly unnerves you that proves to be the roughest part of the process. Imagine having all the chocolate in the world laid down on this beautiful piece of furniture before you and all you had to do was just stretch out your hands to get one then this strange feeling of dread creeps up on you because it might not be real after all. But its what you feel that just terrifies you. You have no idea what the fuck it is but it is there and you don't know how to rid of it, and satisfaction is so very near but you feel that you can't have it cause these stupid inexplicable feelings interfere and thwart you. And when you begin to be incoherent in everything you do, thats where it all goes downhill. Just spiral out of control down to the bottom... whatever it is. Fuck. I am soooo freaking bemused right now at how easily affected I am the more I try to be impassive and incredulous about what the fuck the big fuss is about it that people have to write poems, compose songs, change themselves, offer their whooole freaking lives for it. I can't even believe I am writing something about it in this state right now. I would probably laugh my ass off later, after I read this again... and this is crap prose. Yes! Thanks to you... you put me in this emotional dilemma mate, but you probably aren't gonna read this so it wouldn't matter if I let this all out here.
Perhaps I've created this flawless quixotic picture of how it all should play out when it comes knocking on my door that when it actually came I got scared silly it may not be exactly how I expected or wanted it to be, or I just want to still keep that picture unsullied. They said it would be wonderful and expounded on the embroidered romanticism that goes together with it, but nobody warned anybody that it would be freaking scary because once the possibility of something worthwhile to happen is established then comes with it the possibility that it might also end up in shattered pieces when something slight goes amiss. Because as how I saw it, everything that was initially a source of frisson and fascination soon tend to grow tedious and tiresome come some time, but with the exception if its the right person or uhm... thing. And if that day ever comes that you've gotten bored with it, it'll be just like everything else... it'll be sooner or later chucked. I don't mean to be such a pessimist, I'm just a bit bitter right now. I suppose sometimes, dreams are just better left unfulfilled... so that you'd have reason to continue believing in something beautiful. Cause sometimes when its realized, you'd have to find another thing to think of when you pursue something... and when you can't find anything, life for you would start to be wearisome. Ah! I dont know what I am talking about, maybe its just the stress. Or this stuffy nose. Or because of someone. Ugh.
It's a bad ideal to go with though. Life is in your hands, and you should not be afraid to gamble sometimes. There is nothing out there but oppurtunities, most of it would show up subtly that you wouldn't even easily recognize it but you have to have a good eye. Bottom line, its all in there its up to you to be creative and make something good out of it. As what I said... its the experience that counts at the end, so make the most out of everything. Put your feelings on the line if you'd have to or whatever rocks your boat... live (and love), man! Just hope that you are a lucky bastard and everything you do would lead you to the fulfillment of your hopes and dreams and everything will fall right into place.
- - - -
Im acting weird right now.
It's cause of the song, isn't it?
Shite... this is odd.
Crazy is what crazy dooo...
--oOo--
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