It's not you, it's me.

Yesterday was a beautiful Thursday… but a rather dismal one. It was the mark of the conclusion of the final semester and that parting of ways with my present classmates was dreadfully imminent. Yes, I did… as I usually do, not bother to externalize these rather fuzzy feelings of bleakness; though how compellingly it fought to break out.

What I realized from all of this were;

*Oh… crush, how sad indeed that we might never steal glances at each other ever again. And I certainly cannot stand/sit behind you on lectures just to smell the misty perfume you put on every morning, or even if its just your natural male scent, anymore. I might not be able to walk with you again in school, trail behind you without your knowledge and hide behind thick lush clumps of grass each time you threaten to look back. And you might have forever lost the chance to pay for my lunch at the school’s cafeteria or use a class project as an excuse to my parent or guardian just so you could take me out to a nice romantic dinner. Is it not terrible? The idea of it all! Oh my heart is shattered to tiny broken pieces and only the idea of having you in the same class again could mend it. Why, where then shall I find a reason to detract me from my focus on our professors’ lectures? It is just too much to bear.

*Professors who felt a surge of schadenfreude as their students’ grades hover about just a little above the passing mark. Never would the memories you’ve graciously left me with abscond the recesses of my defective memory, for I shall keep it there like how a child would with her very first scar. Thoughts of my time spent with you shall constantly brush my head as how my comb does. Terribly, I shall miss you… you’re all germs… germs of the revolution of the world for the fruits of education that had passed you shall manage this world some day, and all of the wisdom you’ve imparted would manifest. I won’t forget you.

*Irregularity. Seclusion. My little afternoon expeditions around the campus and the feeling that I own time. Tatah for now.

*New beginning… here I come!


I LIKE YOU BUT I DON’T WANT TO

How tremendously wrong of me to hastily presume that he was mad at me or didn’t wish to speak with me ever again. I suppose he did at first, but decided that it wasn’t a very clever idea and changed his mind. But he did find me monotonous then, and now that we’ve not talked for a short while… about a week to be accurate, he wishes to span the bridges between us anew and refresh our relationship. He might have thought, `She seemed like an interesting girl before… perhaps I might find her as one again.” or “I suppose I had been spending way too much unnecessary time with her that it had all become bland and ordinary…talking to her, like a habit.’

Yes… like a habit, I’ve gotten used to you… and how adroitly you’ve gotten me to be used to you. My mind’s usual program of just thoughts of school, my grades, and art are now meshed up with visions of you and me in some picturesque place enjoying each others’ company. And how sporadically my heart beats as the idea of not saying the right words or pleasing you as we chat whirl precariously above my brain. Suppose this is how one feels when one admires one; when one deeply admires one.

I am terribly sorry though, for letting it all come to this. I am aware that you are utterly dead beat of waiting for a reply from me. And how terribly I want to tell you… what I truly want to say. But those words aren’t a liberty for me right now. It is a complicated situation that we are in.

I do like you.

Very much so.

But I am just afraid…

To fall madly, deeply, and truly in love… (from that song, haha… I am so imitative. )

It’s the scariest of thoughts.

--oOo--